Day Job
by Clockwork Icarus
Summary: Saitama decides to check out a bookstore recommended by Mumen for their ability to get Manga volumes a full week ahead of time, and is overwhelmed by the staff, one of which is mistaken for a zombie, one of which is a stalker living in the store's broom closet who doesn't even work there, one of which is terrifying, and one of them being... familiar. He thinks. CRACK.
1. Wherein Saitama walks into a nuthouse

_So... this is crack, spawned by the random idea of Sonic working in a bookstore- which, let's face it, is freaking hilarious. And then I thought of him having to put up with a somewhat cliche but still fun to write boss. I have no idea where Taro and Karin came from... they just... appeared. And then I though of Saitama walking into that utter disaster...  
Naturally, I had to write it. Enjoy, and I do not own One Punch Man- if I did, it would all be one giant piece of crack._

 _Bon appitete!_

* * *

"...'The Snuggly Duck'? What kind of freaky name is that for a bookstore...?"

Upon seeing his manga collection last night, Mumen had suggested that he come here since they were known for managing to get manga editions a good week or so before they actually came out, and the final volume of Roach Hunter would be coming out soon, and it was near his grocery store, so hey, why not? Besides, there was a sign in the window that advertised half price on certain books.

Uncertainly, he took a step towards the door of the questionably named store.

And another.

And another.

And another.

And then he took another, accidentally ramming straight into the door. A few cracks ran across the glass, and he thought he heard the wooden frame splinter. He gingerly took hold of the door knob, genuinely surprised when the door didn't collapse at his touch. He swung the door open and stepped in, closing it behind him. A bell at the top of the doorframe rang merrily, echoing throughout the shop.

He must have shut it too hard though, because a couple of bookshelves next to the door collapsed, and spidery cracks ran up the walls, making him wince. He'd probably have to pay for that...

Somehow, the door remained standing.

Ignoring the mystery of the extremely durable door, Saitama crouched by one of the bookshelves, trying to make it look like less damage had been done then it actually had. He'd gladly pay for it, but he'd been the one hosting video game night last night, snacks included, so his wallet was a little more strained then usual. Unfortunately, all he succeeded in doing was damaging the wood even further.

"I wouldn't worry about it," Went a quiet voice. The hero jumped, looking over his shoulder for the source of the voice. The table where the cashier stood was strangely empty, and he couldn't see any customers amongst the many, many bookshelves.

"Over here." Saitama looked at the green armchair by the window, probably for more comfortable reading.

"No, over here." The voice sounded closer to a bookshelf for some reason, and Saitama looked up at the top of the structure.

"No, baldy." The voice was starting to sound annoyed now, and Saitama glowered at the jab. "Over here. The face protruding from the fourth shelf from the floor in the bookcase third from... well, the pile of books and rubble that used to be a bookcase." Saitama looked, and there was, in fact, a face resting on the fourth shelf from the floor in the bookcase third from the pile of rubble and books that used to be a bookcase. It was also attached to a head, and a neck, and probably a whole body. "And be more careful with those books," the person who was sticking her head through a bookshelf scolded. "One of the cashiers demolishes stuff like that on a regular basis, so no one cares about the bookshelf, but if you hurt the books, I'll have to ask him to kill you. Preferably in a way that doesn't get blood all over the books."

Saitama blinked. The girl pulled her head out of the bookcase and walked around, bringing them face to face.

...Or face to chest actually, since the girl was a good bit shorter then he was. Her sneakers were untied, her jeans were wrinkled, and her baggy shirt hung off her skinny frame. A pair of glasses with red frames perched on her nose, and deep, dark bags hung under her eyes. Said eyes narrowed, before widening in recognition.

"Hey, I know you!" She pointed at him and struck a corny pose worthy of most of the B-ranked heroes he knew. "You're The Caped Baldy! The fraud with that weird, skin-colored armor on his head!"

Saitama's eyebrow twitched. "It's not armor! So I'm bald, what's the big deal?! It's just baldness!"

The girl almost immediately sunk into an anime character-style depression, a big, dark, purplish cloud of gloom hanging heavy over her head. "You're... really... bald?" She whimpered and collapsed into a sitting position, hugging her knees to her chest. "But that means... _I LOOSE THE BET_!" The scream was loud enough to make Saitama clap his hands over his ears, and he was pretty sure he heard at least one of the windows behind him shatter.

"I can't loose the bet," She gibbered. "Do you know what Sonic's like when he actually wins one of those things? He's insufferable! Never mind the fact that it pretty much means the apocalypse is happening every time he wins one, he acts like this is a normal thing- holy crap! The apocalypse is happening!"

She jumped to her feet, all traces of the dark cloud that had come over her gone. She scrambled over to the cashier's counter, gripping the edge with both hands and peering over the side.

"Taro-san! Taro-san! Wake up! The world's ending, and I have enough sugar, caffeine, and Eliza's stolen coffee in my broom closet to last you, me, and the bald guy for a couple of weeks!" Here, she leaned further over the counter, cupped her hand to her mouth, and stage whispered, _"We'll eat the bald guy."_

"Wait, what?!"

The girl spun on her heel fast enough to send her toppling to the floor. "I didn't say anything! And on an unrelated note, do you happen to know how you'd taste marinated?"

He might've called the girl crazy if a zombie hadn't risen up from behind the counter at that very moment.

"Holy crap!" Saitama pointed at the counter. "Zombie!"

"What? Where? Throw a Sonic at it!"

At the lack of... sonics... to throw (whatever the heck that was), Saitama did the next best thing and hurled the overstuffed chair behind him at it. The zombie ducked under the counter, and the girl took the opportunity to scurry around behind him. The chair punched a sloppy hole through the wall behind the counter, and little bits of drywall and plaster showered down.

"Huh. It has surprisingly fast reflexes for a zombie..."

"Are you sure? Maybe it just got reanimated, like in Naruto..." The girl trailed off as she peered around his side. The zombie had stood up again, and the girl burst into disturbing peals of laughter.

"That's not a zombie!"

Saitama felt he was fully justified in blinking. "Wait, what?"

The girl had fallen backwards, and she pushed herself to her feet as her cackling died down. She actually skipped across the floor and pointed at the walking dead.

"That's just Taro! Don't worry, it's an easy mistake to make!"

He blinked, and looked again- 'Taro' was pale, and his posture was bad enough he was nearly bent in half. There were, great, black bags underneath narrow eyes, and a small bit of stubble on his chin.

"...I still see a zombie."

"Nope~! He's just a college student! Like I said, easy mistake!" The girl's eyes were curved shut by the force of her smile, and she cheerily thumped the college student on the back, hard enough to send him sprawling across the counter. Now that he took his time to actually, y'know, look at the guy, Saitama could see a nametag hanging from the lapel of his maroon polo- and really, who would wear something so ugly if it _wasn't_ a uniform?

"Oh. Sorry." He could see it now.

The college student lazily raised a hand. "Hey, no problem man. Happens regularly, actually. And I'm sorry if Karin gave you any trouble- she's sorta our mascot, so she thinks it's her job to be crazy."

The girl- Karin, apparently- smiled widely. "I live in the broom closet!"

"...Your bookstore has a mascot?"

"Not really. She wouldn't leave when we hit closing time, and then she started camping out in the vents so she could spy on the authors whenever they came for book signings and stuff, so eventually we just gave her the closet."

Taro's hand dropped back to the counter, and Saitama worriedly peered down at him.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah. This counter is just... really comfy. As long as Sonic or the boss don't walk in, I'm good."

"Taro-san! Now you've jinxed it!" Karin turned to face the door. "Now one of them's gonna walk in, in... three... two.." Taro pushed himself up. "...Now." With Karin's ominous whisper, a somber hush fell over the shop as... nothing happened. Taro groaned and dropped back onto the countertop.

"See? All that superstitious stuff is just... just crap." Taro yawned. "I'm gonna take a nap, wake me if anything happens-"

With a chime of the bell hanging at the top of the doorframe, the shop door swung open.

"Huh," Said Saitama.

"Told you," Karin said smugly, arms crossed.

"I'm awake!" Shouted Taro, springing into a standing position- and promptly pitching over the counter, landing on his face.

"Huh?"

The great, terrible assassin that called himself Speed O' Sound Sonic looked up from the plastic tray of coffee was holding. The shop didn't look _unusual_ , per say- destroyed remains of bookshelves, gaping hole in the wall, Taro, sprawled out across the floor, guilty-looking Saitama, even guiltier-looking Karin, empty coffee pot sitting on a long table at the back of the shop- wait, go back a couple.

Last time he checked, his arch nemesis didn't work here. Or visit here. Or actually know this place existed.

He blamed Karin.

" _Saitama_ ," he hissed and dropped the tray of coffee on the floor. The glorious brew of the gods spilled across the floor, and Taro, having stood up by now, slammed into the floor again, tears streaming down his face. Sonic drew a sword out of seemingly nowhere- pretty impressive considering he was wearing the same ugly shirt and tight, tight white pants that Taro was, right down the name tag.

"I see you have tracked me down. Then let there be a glorious fight-"  
"Oh. Hey... uh, what was you name again?"

For the record, Sonic felt he was completely justified in falling over backwards out of shock, the fingers on one hand twitching.

Karin bent over double, clutching at her stomach as she laughed her evil, evil little heart out, squawking something about anime falls.

"Uh, let's see... Joins O' Pain... Jack O' Lantern Panic...? No..."

"SPEED O' SOUND SONIC! It isn't that hard to remember! I mean, come on, I'm even wearing the name tag..."

Sonic had jumped to his feet, and he blew out a breath of air that stirred his bangs and stretched the marks on his cheeks.

"...Okay, Saitama. Now, there will be a glorious battle where I shall emerge victorious-"

The door swung open again, the little bell at the top jingling.

"What. The hell. HAPPENED HERE?!"

"Dammit!"  
"Boss!"

"I'm awake!"

There was a tall woman with brown hair and a dark business suit standing in the doorway, and she, it should be noted, was very, very angry _._ Her anger was actually making visible waves, disrupting the air around her. Saitama had no idea how she was doing that, but it was apparently enough to snap Taro, Karin, and Sonic to attention, standing in a neat little row like soldiers.

"There's a hole in the wall! One of the windows is broken! Two bookcases have been destroyed! My armchair is missing! And that coffee is going to leave a stain in the carpet, dammit!"

The woman slammed the door shut behind her... and promptly brought the front wall down.

The door, it should be noted, was still whole and upright.

If the woman had been upset before, smoke was coming out of her nostrils now.

Literally.

Saitama swallowed nervously and slipped into the line, standing next to Taro. He held his arms stiff at his side and looked straight ahead, chin up. He copied the others to the letter, and if they looked a bit like a row of toy soldiers, that wasn't important.

They wanted to live, after all.

The woman stalked towards them, her heels making soft thudding sounds against the carpet. She had a name tag too, and hers read 'Eliza'. She came to a dead stop in front of them, and Karin swallowed. A bead of sweat rolled down the side of Sonic's face. Taro silently contemplated the benefits of an early death.

"Sonic," Her voice was dangerously calm. " _What did you do?_ "

"Nothing. I just came in a few minutes ago."

Eliza looked him up and down for a few moments. Her eyes were brown and narrow, and they kinda scared the shit out of Saitama. It seemed like an eternity till she moved on.

"Okay," She said, and Sonic breathed the obligatory sigh of relief. The woman took one step to the right, placing herself in front of Karin.

"Karin," She said in the same voice as before, "What did you do?"

"Nothing, ma'am! I swear! It was him! Except for the coffee, that was all Sonic."

The little brat pointed straight at Saitama, and he swallowed as Eliza smirked and gave a satisfactory nod. (Sonic discreetly kicked Karin in the shin.)

"Good girl, Karin."

Karin sagged in relief, muttered something that sounded roughly like, _"Thank you sweet Kami-sama for letting me live"_ , and promptly turned and limped down one of the aisles created by the bookcases, favoring the leg Sonic had taken his frustrations out on. A few moments later, he heard a door shut- probably the broom closet they had mentioned earlier.

The woman came to a stop in front of him, somehow managing to pointedly look down her nose at him despite being roughly half-a-head shorter.

"...Who," She said after a minute, "Are you?"

"...I just came in here to buy some books."

Not a second later, Eliza's pupils were replaced by dollar signs.

"A customer? Oh, then I'm sure this can all be overlooked in return for you patronage. I deeply apologize for the way my employees acted, to think that they would try and pin this on you- oh, I'm so sorry, please don't worry, they will be punished accordingly, I assure you."

"Uh, that's really not necessary..." He was ignored, and Eliza turned to face her employees - or rather, she turned to face the space where her employees had been standing. Apparently, Sonic and Taro had decided to go join Karin in her broom closet.

"Cowards! I'm docking your pay! And Karin! Your rent's going up!"

A door set in the back wall opened a crack, and a small, brown-haired head peered out.

"I pay rent?"

Two pairs of hands darted out from behind the door, latching onto the girl's shoulders and pulling her back.

"Karin-chan," A voice that sounded suspiciously like Taro hissed, " _You idiot_."

"Found you," Eliza crowed triumphantly.

"Run!"

The only sign that Sonic had heeded Taro's warning was the sudden blast of air that whistled past them, followed by drifting papers and books crashing to the floor.

"Hey!" Karin jogged past them, holding a book up to the side of her head to protect her.

Surprisingly, it worked.

"Wait for us!"

Taro awkwardly crawled after her, using the same books-as-shields strategy.

"Cowards," Eliza bellowed as she took off after them. "Fucking cowards! And don't you _dare_ damage the merchandise!"

Saitama wisely took the chance to get the hell out of dodge, but not before leaving a handful of cash on the counter.

* * *

 _So... that happened. Out of curiosity, who caught the Tangled reference? (It might actually be Snuggly Duckling, but I decided to go with duck.) Anyways, I'm thinking of making this into a series of one-shots- mainly revolving around other villains/heroes having day jobs, interacting with each other, and poor Saitama being confused as heck. Of course, that all depends on how this is received, so leave your thoughts in the comments box!_


	2. Wherein Genos gets a job

Yup, it's official. This is a thing now.

First off- Thank you, everyone, for all your kind support. I am determined that this thing is not going to die like everything else I put up on this site! Besides- this was really, really fun to write.

Now then, quick warning: This chapter actually has _**plot**_ in it. It's a bit short and not nearly as funny as the first one, but it's necessary for the next chapter.

Replies to reviews (I actually got reviews this time! I'm so happy!):

Odysseus02: Thanks! And I can do that- I don't actually write OCs all that much, but let me tell ya- Karin is one persistent little stalker. Eliza, Taro, and Karin are the only OCs in this chapter- you've been warned, they'll pop up a lot, because they're really, really fun to write. But don't worry, all the new characters are canon!  
Kaiborg: Thank you so much! Not much Saitama in this chapter (stupid plot), but since I share that sentiment, he'll be in almost everything else! Believe it!  
Boggie445: That, my friend, is _exactly_ the kind of vibe I was going for.  
Bomberguy789: Thank you! You guys are too good to me, really. As for not everyone having day jobs- absolutely. most of the heroes I throw in here will be B-rank or lower, maybe a couple A-ranks. Tatsumaki and Metal Bat are pretty much exclusive in the whole 'S-rank't hing. But I have a soft spot for Tatsumaki, and Metal Bat was the first hero I thought of when I needed another one.

* * *

"Speed of Sound Sonic has a day job? At a bookstore?"

Saitama shrugged and took another mouthful of ramen.

"Apparently. It was a real madhouse too- their boss was flippin' _scary_ , and they had some sort of demon-child thing that lived in the broom closet... it really made no sense."

"Sensei, I highly doubt that Speed of Sound Sonic would take a day job... he must be plotting something." This was announced rather dangerously, and through a mouthful of noodles. He accidentally spat a few of them out, and the other customers sitting at the food stand glanced at them out of the corner of their eyes before collectively shrugging and going back to their meals.

"Genos, I really don't think-"

"Do not worry Sensei, I shall crush this annoyance and whatever plan he is hat-"

Saitama sighed and put one hand up to massage his forehead.

"Genos, you don't have to threaten the poor guy. I feel sorry for him already if he has to work in a place like that."

"Hai, Sensei." He shoveled down the rest of his ramen, set the empty bowl off to the side with its predecessors, and Saitama silently lamented the endless appetites of teenagers as Genos ordered another.

How the hell was he supposed to pay for all this, huh? Huh?!

"But even so, I would still like to watch him. This apparently sudden action is a bit disconcerting."

Saitama sighed. "Fine, but don't get up in his face, okay? And don't talk with food in your mouth! It's gross!"

"Hai, Sensei."

"YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"

(And that is the story of how Genos ended up staking out The Snuggly Duck exactly two weeks later, when the front wall was repaired and standing again. He never did figure out how they got such excellent repairs done so quickly.)

* * *

"Oi, Taro-san."

...Nothing.

"Taro-san."

...Still nothing.

"Taro-san!"

Karin scoffed and leaned over the edge of the counter.

"Taro-san! WAKE UP!"

"Gah! I'm awake!"

Taro startled, and the top of his head slammed into Karin's chin. She went reeling backwards, landing sprawled on her back. She didn't stay there for a second before she sprang up again, totally unaffected. Taro rubbed the back of his head sheepishly anyways, smiling apologetically.

"Sorry, Karin-chan. I didn't see you there..."

He was ignored.

"Taro-san! We're being watched!"

Taro rolled his eyes and sunk down into his seat. "Karin-chan, we're always being watched by Sonic-san's parole officers-"

"But Taro-san! This is different! The guy's been watching us from the café across the street for the past two hours!"

Taro blinked skeptically. "And you know this _how_ , exactly?"

"Because I've been watching him back for the past two hours!"

"...Karin-chan, he was probably just trying to make you go away. Remember that incident with the squirrel?"

"But Taro-san, he was already doing before I started! And for the record, that squirrel was evil."

A sigh. "Karin-chan, I'm going to look out the window, and no one is going to be..." He turned, stared out the window for all of two seconds, froze and trailed off towards the end of his sentence. "...Watching... us..." He managed to stammer out weakly.

And then he blinked because, hey, _someone was actually out there._ Out there and pointedly staring at them, making no attempt to hide it. He was sitting at out of the outside tables, the kind with white wicker chairs and an umbrella sticking up from the center. A cup of coffee was sitting in front of him, and he didn't seem to need to blink, which was really, really creepy.

"...Okay, this is actually happening. We have another stalker."

"I know, Taro-san! Isn't that great?!"

* * *

He'd been watching them for two hours, during which he'd been watched right back by a small girl with brown hair, a book with eyes that turned out to be the same girl hiding behind a book with eyeholes in it, and then the girl and... something that he was fifty percent sure wasn't actually human.

He frowned, and ran through a quick scan. It was nothing really- the man's vitals (and yes, it seemed, he was a man, and a human one) body heat, what he had eaten for breakfast that morning- normal stuff.

"Excuse me sir? Would you like a refill?" The waiter had appeared out of nowhere, and he gestured at his half-empty cup of espresso.

"Would you like a refill? It's free."

"Oh yes, thank y- Mumen?" He startled, because he was absolutely certain that Mumen hadn't been there when he came in three hours ago.

...Of course, the only person that had been there when he had come in had been the owner, but it was still creepy.

Mumen smiled and took his cup. "I'll be right back with your refill."

"Thanks," He said, and heard another familiar voice behind Mumen. A waitress turned around by chance after chewing out a particularly picky customer- "No, you can't have a sandwich! This is a coffee shop! Don't you read the signs, baka?!"- , and their eyes locked.

...Okay, apparently Tatsumaki, Terror Tornado, S-rank Class 2, worked in a café.

RANK 2. TERROR TORNADO. _A FLIPPIN' CAFÉ_.

(Let's take a moment to process this, shall we?)

"Rank Sixteen?" Her voice was annoyingly loud. "What are you doing here?"

And just because this day couldn't get _any fucking weirder_ , the person who was manning the counter turned out to be Metal Bat, plus one pink, frilly apron.

(Genos had no idea how he was able to hear him through the glass, but he must've because he echoed Tatsumaki's question.)

His confusion must have shown on his face, because Mumen chuckled as he set the refilled espresso down in front of him.

"The man who owns this place- Ginka-san- had his entire family saved by a hero a couple years ago. As a result, he's been kind enough to offer free food to us heroes ever since, and he also gave some of us part-time jobs to give us a chance to earn extra cash."

Genos nodded and took a gulp of espresso.

"I see. He sounds like a very kind man."

"He is." Tatsumaki just seemed to appear behind him like Mumen had, and Genos was only mildly surprised when Metal Bat followed. The latter, surprisingly, was the one to trace his gaze, eyes landing on the two faces pressed up against the glass. Mumen and Tatsumaki followed his example, and the ESPer groaned.

"Ignore them. They're all freaks over there. The girl bit one of our employees once. Actually gave him rabies."

Genos blinked.

"...Rabies," He echoed questionably.

Tatsumaki rolled her eyes. "Rabies," She deadpanned.

* * *

"...Now there are four of them staring at us."

 _"Told you, Taro-san~."_

"Well, you don't have to be so happy about it."

Taro and Karin had their faces smooshed up against the glass, and Karin had tossed her glasses aside to let them land somewhere. The aim had been not to break them by trapping them between her and the window, but he was pretty sure the landing had broken them anyways.

"...Wait a second," She cried. "I recognize them! That's Demon Cyborg, Terror Tornado, Metal Bat, and... and, uh... I don't actually recognize the guy with the glasses."

"...Whatever." Taro rolled his eyes at here and pressed his face back to the window and continued watching them.

"...What the hell are you two weirdoes doing?"

Sonic's voice made him jump, and the glass didn't do very much to stifle Karin's snicker, or the or the following announcement.

"We're being stalked by heroes, so we decided to stare at them unnervingly though the glass!"

He could see Sonic's reflection in the mirror, and he watched the ninja's lip curl, his nose wrinkle up.

"...Heroes..." He managed to bite out.

Sonic had a problem with heroes.

And that was how Taro, Karin and Speed O' Sound Sonic ended up crowded inside the space between the cashier's desk, standing on the futon Taro slept on half the time, their faces shoved up to the glass.

* * *

"Are you not aware that Speed of Sound Sonic, S-ranked villain, has a day job as a cashier in that bookstore?"

Tatsumaki scoffed and crossed her arms with a roll of her eyes. "Don't be ridiculous! Of course we know! But both Ginka-san and their boss have polices against violence in their shops. Besides, it's none of our business."

Genos spluttered and slammed his hands down ion the tabletop. "But he is a villain! As heroes, it is out sworn duty to stop all attempted villainous plots, and he has no reason to work in a bookstore-"

"He lost a bet."

Genos blinked up at Metal Bat. "...He lost a bet?"

"Yep. That's why she's here too." He jerked his head towards Tatsumaki at this part, and she bristled. "A different bet, of course."

"Hey! You lost it too!"  
"Only because that lying bastard cheated!"

Mumen Rider smiled apologetically and sat down at Genos' table as Metal Bat and Tatsumaki dissolved into a squabbling match.

"Sorry about them That's the reason this place doesn't get many customers, actually. They're always fighting..."

Behind them, Tatsumaki let out a caterwaul and jumped Metal Bat. They rolled around on the concrete, knocking down two tables, five chairs, and a couple of potted plants.

"...I see." Genos took another sip of espresso and looked back at the bookstore. "...It seems that three of them are watching us now."

Sonic was crowded in there with the other two no, wearing the same smile he did when he fought. He raised a hand, pressed it against the glass, and waved it from side to side.

"...Okay, that's creepy."

"Indeed."

Behind them, Tatsumaki and Metal Bat stopped their attempted murder of each other to look up and stare.

"...Okay, that punk really needs to get his face bashed in!"

"Baka, do you want to loose your job?"

"Yes!"

Mumen smiled as the death match began once again.

"Say, Genos. If you're conducting surveillance of the shop across the street, why don't you get a job here? We need another barista, and you'd have the perfect cover."

And that was how Genos got a job, ugly uniform and all.

(The uniform, it should be noted, was rather promptly burnt to a crisp.)

And thus, the surveillance of Speed O' Sound Sonic and The Snuggly Duck began.

* * *

Omake:

"Oi, what are you imbeciles doing? Get back to work!"

"Boss! Boss! We're being stalked! Isn't that great!"

Eliza stopped for a minute, mouth gaping open.

They... were being... stalked?

"...This is..."

Taro groaned and hunkered down to brace for impact.

"AMAZING," She shouted, startling Taro and making Karin smile.

"Everyone knows only the best people and establishments get stalked!"

"Funny, that's not what you said when Karin was living in our air vents."

"SILENCE, SLAVE!"

* * *

"Baka! Do you want to loose your job?!"

"YES!"

That, my friends, was my favorite part of this. (And for the record, Metal Bat is actually only still here because Zenko stops by every afternoon to buy a pastry.)  
Updates on this glorious, glorious freakshow will be erratic and random, but hopefully there won't be any really long waits. Enjoy, and remember to hit the review button unless you want to have Karin suddenly living in your closet! (Trust me, you don't want that. She raids your fridge and eats all the good stuff.)


	3. Wherein Saitama is totally bait

Hey-o! Introducing chapter 3, peeps!

Now then- I do not know if sewers really do have flammable gases down there, I do not know why they happened to find such a short tunnel down there, and I don't know why Eliza is carrying a burning stick around instead of a flashlight.  
(It's probably better if we don't ask, honestly.)

Also, I don't own One Punch man... *looks left and right for lawyers.*  
Hey, there aren't any lawyers here! In that case, I totally own One Punch Man!  
...Why is the ground shaking? *Looks behind me to see a literal sea of angry lawyers running towards me.*

HOLY SCTICK! ENJOY! I GOTTA RUN! AHH! Please, not the lawsuit! Anything but the lawsuits!

* * *

"Genos, why am I here again?"

"I am almost certain that whatever Sonic's plan is, it involves you, Sensei. Therefore, introducing you as a factor shall trigger the enactment of his plan, and give us insight to what it is."

"...So I'm bait."

"Sensei, I assure you I would never-"

"'Cause all I got from that sentence was that I'm bait."

"Sensei, I wouldn't-"

Tatsumaki leaned over the table Saitama was sitting at and drawled, "Yeah. You're bait."

* * *

"Sonic-san! Sonic-san! Sonic-san! Sonic-sa-"

"I heard you the first dozen times, Karin. Now _what do you want_."

It was more of an extremely annoyed statement than an answer, and Karin blinked up at him owlishly.

"...The Caped Baldy is back!"|

"What?"

"What?"

"What?!"

The above exclamations came from Taro (Who was still suffering from nightmares of a chair passing an inch over his head, actually _flaming_ from the speed it was going at, and sat up underneath the counter and slammed his head against it.) Sonic (Who was just excited, to be perfectly honest.) and Eliza (Who remembered a measly handful of yen and scales of property damage not seen since that one time Taro, Karin and Sonic had accidentally raised the dead.) respectively.

"Yep~!" Karin squeaked cheerily, and confirmed Taro's worst fears.

"Oh no, not again," He said despairingly and let himself fall back to the floor under the counter.

"Finally!" Cheered Sonic and pulled his sword out from... well, actually, we still have no idea.

"THAT BASTARD'S GONNA PAY PROPERLY FOR THE PROPERTY DAMAGE THIS TIME!"

...Yeah, that last one was Eliza, if you haven't guessed that already. Her voice was apparently loud enough to send two rather thick, well-stocked bookshelves crashing to the ground, and they all froze for a moment.

And then-

"HE'S GONNA PAY FOR THOSE TOO!"

* * *

"...Genos, I don't really think this is working."

"Yeah, the baldy's right. No one's in there."

"Hey!"

Metal Bat lazily jabbed a finger across the street at the Snuggly Duck, darkened windows and Out to Lunch sign and all. He rather pointedly ignored the glowering Saitama.

"He's right."

Tatsumaki was floating next to them angrily, a good five inches off the ground. (That customer from last week that had wanted a sandwich had come back earlier and asked for it again. It did not end well, primarily because he was threatening to sue now.)

"It's completely deserted. Where'd they go?"

"Who knows?" Metal Bat shrugged as a door in the wall behind them opened. A small, hunched over old man with thick gray hair and a long, bushy mustache that actually went down to his knees hobbled out, tossing a green apron behind him.

"I'm going out," He called as Tatsumaki, Metal Bat, Mumen, and Genos snapped to attention. "I'll be back in a few hours. Watch the shop."

"Hai," They all chorused loudly and watched him make his way down the street.

"...Okay," Metal Bat said as soon as their boss had turned the corner, "Someone go find the 'Gone Fishing' sign. We're breaking in."

Mumen frowned. "I don't know. Isn't that, y'know... illegal?"

"Who cares?" Metal Bat clapped both Saitama and Mumen on the back, hard enough to send the latter reeling face-first into a table. "We're all in this together! You, me , the robot-" "Cyborg." "-The runt-" "Hey!" "-And the baldy!"

"Hey!" Saitama glowered and pulled his precious cup of coffee closer. " Don't drag me into this! At least let me finish my coffee first!"

...Saitama did not get to finish his coffee first.

* * *

"...Yeah, _why_ are we going in through the sewers again?" Taro was pinching his nose shut grumpily, glaring straight ahead at the space over Sonic's head.

"Because," Eliza said tiredly, "They'll never see us coming this way." This was not the first time she had been asked this question.

"...Okay, but how are we supposed to get in the building?"

Eliza sighed and pinched her forehead. This was not the first time she had been asked _this_ question either.

"There's a manhole in the alleyway behind the coffee shop. We'll sneak up through there, break down the door, drag the baldy outside, and MAKE HIM PAY FOR THE EXPENSES!"

They all flinched at the volume, but forced themselves to keep walking.

Uh... one more question, Eliza-san."

"What?!" Eliza was starting to get a bit fed up with all these questions, if you haven't guessed.

"Um... well, I was wondering, um..." Taro stumbled over words and sounds as he stared as Eliza's left hand, trying to come up with a phrasing that wouldn't get him killed.

"Well, spit it out! We don't have all day!"

"Uh... Why do you have a torch instead of a flashlight?"

"...eh?" Astoundingly, Eliza had not been asked that question before.

"Yeah, that didn't really make any sense."

"I think it's cool!"

"Who gave you two permission to start talking?!"

Eliza gestured around angrily and put on hand on her hip. The other held the flaming stick they were using as a torch, and she was still waving it around.

They might've been fine, if the torch hadn't happened to clash with a gas pocket.

A very flammable gas pocket.

 _"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_

* * *

"Okay, two questions."

"Yes, Sensei?"

"One- Why are we in the sewers, and, two- _WHY ARE WE DOING THIS_?!"

"Shhh! I heard something! So shut up, ya clowns!"

"In the sewers?" Tatsumaki shook her head and tsked. "I think you've taken one too many hits the head, baka."

"Shut up, runt!"

 _"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"_

"...Uh, guys?"

A long, faint shriek.

"I'll call you whatever the hell I want to!"

"Do you want me to drop a building on you?!"

A hissing sort of sound.

"Guys?" Mumen nervously stepped forward tugged at the back of Saitama's hoodie.

"Guys."

Saitama turned around. "Yeah, Mumen?"

The smell of smoke. Displaced wind. More shrieking.

A lot more shrieking.

The bald man's eyebrows scrunched together in thought as he picked up on the same things Mumen had, and he turned towards their bickering... uh... captors. Yeah, that was a good word for it.

"Guys?"

"Why did we bring the baldy again? He's useless!"

"He's bait."

"Sensei is neither useless nor bait!"

"Guys?"

"And who's bright fucking idea was it to sneak in through the sewers? Can't we just throw a brick through their window like normal people?!"

"Because we'd get caught then. Idiot."

"What did you call me?!"

"Idiot! You got a problem?"

"GUYS!" Saitama's shout was loud enough to rattle the sewer walls around them, which was... rather terrifying, actually.

" _WHAT?!"_

A rush of displaced air suddenly went past them, and Taro, Karin and Eliza came next, jogging around a bend in front of them.

"Run if you don't want to die!" (Because Sonic might've been a heartless assassin, Karin might've just been born without any morals, and Eliza might've literally sold the devil her soul to get through college, but Taro was still a half-decent human being.)

"...Huh?"

Aaaaaand that's about the point where a giant wall of flames came rushing up the sewer tunnels.

"AHHHHHHH!"

And that, friends, is the story of how they all ended up running through a tunnel from a massive wall of fire, trying not to die.

"Okay! Quick question- WHERE THE _HELL_ DID THAT THING COME FROM!?"

"Well, Eliza-san was waving a flaming stick around and-"

"Karin, if you don't want me to call the exterminators and finally get you out of my closet, _you will not finish that sentence."_

"Yes, Eliza-sama!"

"There!" Mumen pointed ahead of them, at a hole in the side of the tunnel they were in. "Another tunnel! We can hide in there!"

Saitama reached it first and Tatsumaki reached it last, the others scurrying in sometime between their two entrances. With a wave of her hand, Tatsumaki brought the cement above the hole crashing down, and the entrance was blocked.

"...Uh, quick question?"

Somewhere in the dark, Mumen smiled pleasantly. "Yes, Taro-san?"

"...Okay, before that, how do you know my name?"

"Name tags."

Tatsumaki snorted. If the sound's location was anything to go by, she was sitting right behind the freshly added wall of concrete.

"Yeah, that and the files Blondie here's been bringing in for the last week. He even has updates on what you guys have been eating for lunch."

For a moment, the small, cramped tunnel was understandably quiet as _that_ sunk in.

"...Okaaay then, ignoring that. Anyways- how are we going to breathe if this tunnel is a dead end and you just _cut off all the oxygen_?!" Taro's voice got a little hysterical at the end, and Eliza snorted from her position at the back.

"Don't be ridiculous. The odds that this is a dead end are astronomical."

She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back- right into the hard concrete that made up the end of the tunnel they had apparently sealed themselves in.

She swallowed nervously, and silently appreciated the darkness for hiding away her surprised, panicked expression- a far cry from the confident one she had been wearing mere moments ago.

"...It's a dead end."

 _"...FUCK!"_

* * *

Omake:

"Nii-chan?"

A little girl named Zenko pushed the door to the coffee shop her brother worked in open. The lights were all on, and yet the place was clearly deserted.

"Nii-chan?"

She waited a beat for a response, and when she (predictably) received none, she pouted angrily, crossed her arms, stomped over to a booth, and sunk down into a seat. He knew she always came here at this time, so _where the cheezeballs was he_?

"Oh, he's gonna pay..."

* * *

*pant...pant* I... think I lost them.  
I also think I lost a leg doing so... now I'll have to go and chop someone's leg off so I can sew it onto this bloody stump. _Yay._

Anyways- As you can see, our 'heroes' have been trapped in a suspiciously short sewer tunnel as an inferno rages outside! Meanwhile, Zenko angrily awaits the return of her brother, and Genos, Tatsumaki, Metal Bat, and Mumen's boss wanders off, allowing them to make this... bad decision, to understate. Oh, and before I forget, I need a name for the coffee shop! Make sure to leave your suggestions in the comments!

Stay tuned!


	4. Wherein there is orange shag carpeting

_Hey-o, peeps! I'm back! Now, quick warning- you might not hear from me for a few weeks after this. My EOGs are coming up, and my parents are probably gonna be all over the computer this summer. Luckily, I should be getting a laptop or a chromebook sometime, so yay!_

 _Anyways: Reviews_

 _Boggie445- Thank you. It's people like you that make this world a better place- seriously, if not for, you many, many people would be hobbling around right now sans one leg. Although I probably won't be going back to that dimension anytime soon... I kinda set their version of the white house of fire. Except literally EVERYONE important in the world was in there, so I'm kinda a terrorist over there now? And don't ask me how they managed to cram everyone in there, because I actually don't know._

 _Remember_ _, I don't own One Punch Man! Just the plot, and Sonic's group of personal torturers! (Y'all know who I'm talking about.)_

* * *

 _Eliza swallowed loudly._

 _"...It's a dead end."_

 _"...FUCK!"_

"You mean we're stuck in here?! _With no air_?" Metal Bat's voice took on a hysterical edge, and he gestured around wildly in the dark. One of his hands struck soft flesh, and someone bit out a loud curse.

"Ow! Watch it, asshole!"

"Sonic-san?" Somewhere across the tunnel from his co-worker, Taro straightened up, bumping his head against the tunnel's top. "What are you doing here?"

"Taking shelter from the fire, obviously."

"I thought you ran past the hole."

Somewhere in the crowded, not-so-vast darkness of the tunnel, Karin cocked her head to one side and slammed the side of her head into Tatsumaki's chin.

"So you're hiding."

"Hey! Watch it, brat! That hurt!"

"Of course not! Speed of Sound Sonic hides from nothing!" And with that, he snorted loudly and crossed his arms, accidentally jabbing Genos in the stomach with his elbow. His rather pointy elbow.

Genos choked on a breath he was taking and doubled over, giving Sonic the world's deadliest evil eye- that went unnoticed in the dark.

"I would prefer if you would be a bit more careful."

"I can't! None of us can see a fucking thing!"

"Aren't ninjas supposed to have night vision?"

"That's a stereotype!"

The once blissfully peaceful tunnel filled with the (rather annoying) sounds of another Genos/Sonic argument, and Tatsumaki and Eliza groaned forcefully.

"Yeah, yeah, you're both wimps, we get it. Now stop arguing so we can die in peace!"

Somewhere in the tunnel, Saitama gave a longsuffering sigh. "We are not going to die."

"Yes, we are! We have no air, and there's a raging inferno outside! _And we're in the sewers!_ " Tatsumaki.

"We are! We have no money, and money is the answer to all our problems!" Eliza.

"Actually, I have money."

"You do!?" Eliza sprang across the tunnel in Mumen's general direction, bumping and knocking into people along the way.

("Ow!" "Hey!" "That hurt!")

Eliza snorted. Babies. Now then-" She turned in the direction she was _preeetty_ sure Mumen was facing.

"Gimme! Gimmiegimmiegimmie!"

"It's only a handful of yen!"

"Then why don't I already have it?!"

"I'm going to die," Taro lamented. "And it's going to be with this bunch of idiots!"

"Hey!"

"We're going to die, and it's going to be without books!" Karin.

"For the last time, we're not going to die!" A frustrated Saitama threw his arms out to the side, and the tunnel filled with the sound of cracking concrete.

"...Did you hear that?" That was all Eliza managed to get out before the walls around them completely shattered. Chunks of concrete plummeted towards the earth, and the fire was still raging in the sewer tunnel outside. Damn flammable gases.

"Hurry! There's a tunnel in the back!"

Sure enough, the wall behind them had opened up into a clearly lit tunnel that, currently, wasn't being barraged by fire or falling concrete.

In short, it was heaven, and they all rushed towards it in a mess of limbs and clothing. Somehow, they all managed to make it into the tunnel.

How? I have no idea, actually.

"Uh..." That was Mumen, and he was, to be perfectly honest, quite justified in saying so.

Eliza cocked her head to the side, and Saitama scratched his. "...Where are we?"

...That was a good question.

Namely because the tunnel they had emerged into (the thankfully well-lit, full-sized tunnel, meaning no more crouching and gesturing around in the dark and hitting people on accident) was carpeted in bright orange shag.

Yes, you read that right. Orange shag carpeting.

"Maybe we're in wonderland!"

"Karin-chan, how the _hell_ does that tie in with our situation?"

"...Maybe it's booby trapped."

"That's... actually plausible, shrimp."

Tatsumaki actually growled at Metal Bat, deep and low in her throat, like a dog. "Don't call me that!"

"Why would it be booby trapped?"  
"Ooh, ooh! This is just like something out of an Indiana Jones movie!"

"Karin, there was never any orange shag carpeting in Indiana Jones movies."

Eliza sighed. "What I think the freak's trying to say," She said stiffly, crossing her arms and silencing the rest of their party. "Is that this might be a trap guarding treasure. How she came to that conclusion, I have no idea, but it is a plausible one. You two-"

She reached out and grabbed Metal Bat and Tatsumaki by their hair, and then proceeded to swing them around and throw them down the tunnel.

"Go check it out."

"Hey! Watch it! You can't throw me around! I'm S-class!"

"What about me? I'm S-class too!"

"Ooh, I'm so scared you're gonna hit me with a metal stick."

"It isn't a metal stick!"

Sonic snorted from the other end of the tunnel. "It's a metal stick."

"IT IS NOT A METAL STICK!"

With a wave of Tatsumaki's hand, the rest of the unusual party was suddenly floating mid-air, surrounded by a telltale green glow. Terror Tornado's wrist twitched, and they all came rushing down the tunnel at full speed, slamming into a wall with a variety of painful sounding thumps.

And screams. There was lots of screaming.

"What the hell was that for?!" Sonic had crashed headlong into a wall, and he staggered to his feet to give Tatsumaki the world's most impressive death glare.

"You sick little bitc-" Genos slammed into him, and they both went careening into a wall.

" _Ow_! What is your proble-" In the corner where he had landed and shattered concrete, Saitama was lifted up and flew through the air, crushing Genos and Sonic as Tatsumaki steered him into them.

"Oh. Sorry."

"It is okay Sensei. If is not too much trouble, I would appreciate if you would get off my head."  
"What the hell is wrong with you, lad-"

This time, Tatsumaki launched Metal Bat into them.

"Ow! Hey, I'm on your side!"

Tatsumaki shrugged. "I'm on my own side."

"Hey, did anyone else feel that? I think some poor fly crash into us."

"No, Sensei, that was Metal Bat."

"Huh?" Saitama easily twisted and stood up, Metal Bat sliding off his back like water landing twitching on the ground. "Ah. Oops."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU-"

"NO!"

Pretty much everyone that was still conscious and not named Tatsumaki launched themselves across the tunnel at previously unheard of speeds, slapping a hand over Sonic's mouth.

'Don't... say... _anything_."

Sonic stared up at Metal Bat's enraged expression, bored and impartial.

And then his tongue darted out of his mouth, and Metal Bat somehow managed to yank his hand out from under everyone else's.

"Ew! Did you just lick my freakin' hand?!"

Sonic made a noise of amusement in the back of his throat as Metal Bat hurriedly swiped his palm up and down the back of Saitama's hoodie.

"Ew, ew, get it off."

"Hey! I like this hoodie!"

"Then you shouldn't have worn it into the sewers, genius! Now hold still and let me wipe the cooties off on you."

"I didn't know we were going to be going into the sewers! I was dragged down here! And no, I won't stand still!"

Saitama jerked away, sending everyone else crashing over on top of Sonic.

"Ow! I'm still under here, you know!"

"We know, Sonic-san! We just don't care!"

"I hate you all."

Tatsumaki sighed and crossed her arms. She was hovering a good five inches off the ground, and she was looking at the ground like the mysterious, still unexplained carpeting was poisonous.

Since this was One Punch Man, it probably was.

"If you're all done doing... that-" She wrinkled her nose and gestured towards their dog pile. "Then we should probably go. The other tunnel's still on fire, so our best bet is to keep moving. The fire will come in through the tunnel we were trapped in eventually, and then it will come here, and the last time I checked, shag carpeting was extremely flammable."

"The shrimp's right- ow!" Metal Bat rubbed the back of his head, a sizable egg rising from where a particularly large piece of concrete had just bounced off of. "I WAS AGREEING WITH YOU, ASSHOLE!"

"I know."

"Okay, fuck you!"

"Hey!" Mumen popped up between the two, placing a hand on each other chests and pushing them away from each other. "We shouldn't fight. And we have to remember that there's a child here."

"You're still here?" Tatsumaki blinked and pointed. "I thought you got caught up in the fire."

"I did too," Metal Bat said, and Mumen sighed and opened his mouth. "But, we shouldn't swear in front of a child. He' right on that point."

Mumen blinked. "...That was surprisingly morally correct, Metal Bat-san."

"Bah, don't get your hopes up."

Behind them, there was an eerie silence... and then Eliza, Sonic, and Taro all promptly burst into wild, unprompted laughter that made everyone else freeze. Taro fell backwards, Sonic gasped for breath, and Eliza bent over and slapped her knees.

"Don't swear in front of... Karin?" That prompted another round of laughter, and Eliza fell forwards, landing in a kneeling sort of position as she laughed herself hoarse.

"C-Clearly, you have... never had a conversation with Karin before... heh... in your life."

"...What do you mean?"

Eliza stopped laughing long enough to look up and lock her gaze with Mumen's. Her eyes were serious, and it sent shivers down his spine.

"She's the one that gave Taro 'the talk'. He still has nightmares." Taro shivered accordingly, and Karin flashed a Glasgow smile. "We had to ban her from the children's section because she kept teaching children swear words and how babies are made. All in extremely graphic detail. Not that it stopped her." She paused a beat before clarifying. "Because it didn't."

Mumen blinked. "...But she's just a kid..."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure she's a demon the previous owner summoned."

"Oh."

That explained a lot. Especially the time she gave that one employee rabies and he was never seen again.

Karin wasn't sent to pick the coffee up any more.

"Y'know," Tatsumaki snarled loudly," We're still in the sewers, and if you idiots haven't noticed-" She angrily jabbed a thumb over her shoulder. "THE ENTIRE SECTION BEHIND US IS ON FREAKIN' FIRE."

They hadn't noticed.

Everyone promptly screamed and followed the carpeted-in-orange-shag-road.

* * *

 _Dammit! This chapter was supposed to have plot! Something important was going to happen in this chapter! And WHAT WAS I THINKING WITH THE ORANGE SHAG?! Remember to drop me a line in the comment box, peeps! You can ask for requests for who and what you want me to write once we complete the 'stuck in the sewers with a raging fire' arc, because I have not planned ahead at all. And constructive criticism is always appreciated! Childish out! Peace!_


	5. Wherein Eliza and Genos go insane(er)

_Hey-o, peeps! Wassup? So I finished my eogs, and the situation here with the computer isn't as bad as I figured, so here- an update on both my stories and the first chappie of a new one. Boom._

 _Now then, on to my favorite part: The reviews!_

 _Guest: You have no idea how many of my teachers share that sentiment. (It's a lot.) I'm glad you like the story so much!_

 _Anonymouanonymou: Did I spell that right? Cause that's a lot of letters. A lot. Anyways, I'm glad you love my jokes! I don't know about genius, but I like to think they're up there. You're suggestion's pretty awesome too- the Tank top army working business? Accounting, even? YES._

 _Now then on to YOUR (least) favorite part- the story! (I still don't own OPM. Dang.)_

* * *

 _"GYAAAAAAAAH"_

"STOP SCREAMING AND RUN _FASTER_ , YOU IDIOTS!"

Why yes, readers, our heroes _are_ still stuck in the _freaking sewers._

And yes, they are _still_ running from a giant wall of fire.

...Seriously, these people have some stamina. And the worst luck in history.

"Easy for you to say! You're just floating! The rest of us can't do that! Even if I'm pretty sure that weird assassin dude abandoned us earlier!"

"He can't float either!"

"...Y'know, couldn't you just put the fire out with your mind?"

Eliza's suggestion was the first logical thing their party had heard in the past... however long they had been stuck down here, and they all skidded to a stop.

"That... actually makes sense." Genos turned to face Tatsumaki. "Why _didn't_ you do that?"

"Uh..." A large, anime sweat drop appeared next to the top of her head, just hovering in the air.

(How is that happening, you ask? No one knows. It's a mystery.)

Tatsumaki largely resembled a deer caught in the headlights for a minute, and then she snorted, haughtily crossed her arms, and looked away pointedly.

"I didn't feel like it."

 _"EH?!"_

They all collapsed backwards in a collective anime fall, and the fire raged behind them. It cast a soft orange glow across their faces, and Saitama pushed himself on his elbows and looked behind him.

"...You know it's like an inch behind us, right?"

"WHAT?"

They all startled, and everyone around Saitama crawled backwards at speeds both Speed of Sound Sonic and Flashy Flash had yet to breach.

* * *

Somewhere in the sewers ahead of our heroes, Speed of Sound Sonic sneezed.

"Heh. I guess someone's talking about me." He smirked, and his chest puffed up proudly...

And then he walked straight into a rather obvious trap. Thick rope snapped up around his ankle, hoisting him upside down. "Oi!"

* * *

Somewhere, in the middle of a location, at some random distance from our heroes, Flashy Flash froze and sneezed into his hand. The pair of startled creatures he had at sword point blinked.

"...Aww, you sneeze like a kitten!"

They were promptly eliminated.

Very painfully.

* * *

"Holy shit, it's right there, it's right there!"

"Yes, we have established that!" Eliza turned to look at Tatsumaki. "You! Magic floaty green lady! Do your thing!"

"Give me a second-"

In front of them, Saitama drew back his fist and punched the fire.

The effect was instantaneous.

The blaze seemed to extinguish itself, collapsing backwards and just... disappearing.

"...Whoa."

"Holy shit."

"That was cool!"

"Yes! You go, Master!"

"You punched fire."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT _EARLIER_ , BALDY!?"

Saitama blinked and shrugged. "I thought you were gonna take care of it."

"You punched. Fire!"

"I was about to! Really, it shows how irresponsible you are, begin able to do that the whole time and only taking care of it now. For shame." Tatsumaki harrumphed and crossed her arms, looking away pointedly.

"Hey!"

The argument probably would've continued if Eliza hadn't chosen that moment to step in, grabbing Saitama by the shoulders and making a rather valiant attempt at shaking him by them- it should be noted she failed, and only succeeded in scrambling her own brains back and forth.

 _"YOU PUNCHED FIRE!"_

"Uh... are you okay?"

"How are you still alive, you filthy property damage demon?! TELL. ME."

"Whoa, whoa!"

Mumen, apparently, was the only sane one here, because he had the good sense to slip into between them and push Eliza away.

"Easy, miss. Right now, I think we should focus less on the fire and more on our situation."

Eliza sighed and reached up to adjust her glasses, pushing them up the bridge of her nose with a slim middle finger.

"The freak's right. We should probably try to figure out where we are, and how to get out. And chances are that this..." She glanced nervously at the carpet, sadly not destroyed by Saitama's attack on fire. "Atrocity was placed her by a human being, so we might be able to find someone who can help us."

* * *

"I-" He sheathed the sword. Light just seemed to curve around the blade, and the speed it moved at rendered it as good as invisible. " _Do not_ sneeze like a kitten."

The S-class hero painted a dangerous picture- his coat and face were splattered liberally with blood, the fabric stained pink in places. Wind whistled through the alleyway, ruffling blond hair clumped together by something dark and sticky. His eyes were as sharp as the edge of his blade, and every muscle was tense, ready for retaliation. In front of him lay a mass of groaning, bloody flesh, something that had once been a pair of extremely stupid monsters.

"Y-you...idiot..."

The pile of flesh quieted, and both monsters shuddered and died. It was bit weird, but hey, he had a hair appointment in fifteen minutes he couldn't miss.

He still kicked them in the spot where he had last seen one of the monster's ribs though. Y'know, just to make sure they were really and truly dead. Totally not because he kinda hated their guts at this point. He grunted, nodded, and turned on his heel, pink-ish cape snapping grandly behind him.

It would've looked really cool if he hadn't taken three steps and fallen into a conveniently open manhole.

* * *

"Okay- so our leading theories are demonic possession, a supervillian, a giant clan of evil anime characters come to life, an evil squirrel, and an actual, regular person with really bad taste."

Eliza set the notebook she had pulled out of the pocket dimension they apparently had access to on her lap, looking out at them through her glasses rather seriously.

...Okay, the whole dimensional thing's just a theory, but they have to be getting all this random stuff from _somewhere_ , right?

"...Um, I don't mean to be rude," Metal Bat had raised his hand, like a student in class. "But shouldn't we be focusing on how to get out of here, and not on some really shitty-" He glanced to his left, where Karin was sitting cross-legged, playing with some loose carpet strands. "-Er, stupid- decor?"

"For once, the metalhead has a point. Why is this important again?"

Eliza turned a rather impressive glower on them. It then proceeded to have absolutely no effect what so ever.

"It just is, okay?"

The squabbling party, sans Sonic, was sitting on the ground in a circle, trying to solve the mystery on the really, really ugly carpeting. So far, Taro had tried to sneak away three times, all unsuccessful. Tatsumaki and Metal Bat had broken out into arguments five times, and had come to physical blows six times. Saitama was just staring up at the ceiling, and Karin had zoned out before she even sat down. Mumen was the only cooperative one, smiling like the trusting, peaceful dork he was, trying to stop everyone from starting a brawl and bringing the tunnel down around their ears. Genos and Eliza, on the other hand, were quite enjoying this, fulfilling their combined potential as everyone's worse nightmare, as they studiously pouring over theories and hypotheses.

It should be noted that they had only been seated for three and a half minutes.

"IhatemylifeIhatemylifeIhatemylife-" Taro was slamming his head against the sewer wall now, and had been for the past minute- something about painful unconsciousness being bliss at this point.

"Oi! Taro-san! Do you hear that?" Karin smiled as she tugged on his sleeve excitably, coming rather close to ripping the fabric.

"Karin-" _Slam-_ " Leave" _-Slam-_ "Me" _-slam-_ "Be."

"But Taro-san-"

"Actually, I hear it too." Saitama sat up, peering at the ceiling above them.

"It sounds like something's coming through a manhole or something-"

As if on cue, a rumpled lump of pink fabric and blond hair came crashing down a manhole none of them had noticed, landing in the center of their little circle. Everyone stopped what they were doing, Eliza's mouth partially open and a pencil halfway to paper.

"...GHOST!"

And just like that, Karin, Taro, and Tatsumaki were across the room, having moved at speeds both Speed O' Sound Sonic and Flashy Flash had yet to breach.

* * *

Somewhere in the sewers, Sonic sneezed.

The rope trap had been pitiful, really. Honestly, all he needed to do was draw a kunai and cut it. He frowned and shook his head, eyes slipping shut for a millisecond. Oh, whoever dared to trap Speed O' Sound Sonic would pay, pay dearly-

He walked straight into a clearly visible net trap.

* * *

Somewhere in the sewers, sprawled in front of a bunch of freaks, Flashy Flash sneezed. Around him, the shocked people he had landed by blinked- okay, apparently ghosts sneezed like kittens.

"...Manhole! Manhole! We're free!"

Karin shoved her way out from behind Taro and Tatsumaki, tearing across the sewer tunnel in an attempt to reach the opening.

It might've worked too, if Eliza and Genos hadn't suddenly come down on her from nowhere, blocking the exit.

"NO!"

"Oi!"

"We're trying to get out! So why the hell did you do _that_?!"

Eliza crossed her arms and somehow managed to glare down at everybody- a rather impressive feat, considering the only people that were currently shorter than here were Karin, Tatsumaki, and the ghost, the latter of which was still sprawled out across the floor.

"No one leaves until we figure out who put this atrocity here and why."

There were several beats of silence, and then-

"... _EH?!"_

Everyone collapsed backwards in an anime fall.

* * *

Oh, come on! They were supposed to get out of the sewers this time! Why do I do this to myself? And what is Flashy Flash doing here?!


	6. Wherein we crash headlong into canon

_Hello, peeps! Wassup? Or don't entirely like this chapter, just to warn you. The title says it all._

 _Reviews:_

 _Non (chapter 2): A very wise course of action indeed, and the first step to living a healthy, sane, Karin-free life. Everyone, take notes._

 _Guest: Clearly you have never had a conversation with me, because anyone who has can tell you I don't have a life to get together. And this story's complete and total crack, so... yeah. It's a dumpster fire. But it's my dumpster fire, and I like it like that!_

 _Elfetrange: Credit to this awesome guy for giving me the idea for throwing Canon in there. Brilliant, dude, brilliant. I'm glad you like this story so much! I'm worried the humor's a bit much sometimes, and I'm glad it's not! I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, and neither does anyone else. And trust me- it is INSANELY HARD to keep these guys in character, but if it turns out funny, I think we can count that as a success, no? Trust me, I have a plan for the tank toppers, and they interact with Eliza a LOT. Mainly because they're either gonna be lawyers or work insurance, and Eliza usually has to deals with tons of property damage. Maybe I won't work the Blizzard group in_ _as a business, but I can totally see them having lots of fundraisers, which I can work with. And as for Canon, well... read on!_

* * *

"You can't be serious!" Taro had a look in his eyes, like he wouldn't be all that opposed to committing murder right now.

"We have a way out of the sewers! The hot, stinky, incredibly flammable sewers! We are not staying here to _investigate shag carpeting_!"

"Actually," Eliza crossed her arms decidedly and glared out at them all. "We are."

Monotonously, Flashy Flash raised a hand. "Do I have to stay?"

"Yes!" It was probably unhealthy for Genos to be so passionate about ugly home decor. "The more people we have on this, the better!"

"Oh, for the love of-" Tatsumaki exasperatedly threw her arms out. " _What the hell is wrong with you people?!"_

"Everything."

"That was a rhetorical question!"

To his credit, Flashy Flash just blinked. Monotonously. (How is that even possible?)

"...Yeah, nope."

The great, powerful S-class hero turned and started to walk away, apparently forgetting there was a manhole above of them. Behind him, Eliza swallowed, clenched her fists, and did her best fangirl impression.

"Please, Flashy Flash-sama!"

" _Whoa_ ," Taro whispered to Karin, one hand cupped around his mouth, " _She's pulling out the 'sama'."_

 _"Yup! She hasn't kissed up this much since that time they sent a government agent to investigate the disappearance of that fat guy who wouldn't stop insulting us!"_

 _"...Er, Karin, what ever did happen to that man?"_

Karin's face was swallowed up by a smile made of teeth. " _Nothing that can be proven."_

 _"Excellent. I hated that guy."_

"Um..." Mumen was standing behind the two of them, and they both promptly started sweating bullets. "Were you two just discussing murder?"

Karin swallowed, and Taro opened his mouth and rather intelligently said, "Uh..."

"You lot! Stop whispering in the corner!"

"Yes, Eliza-sama!"

Eliza groaned and looked away from her oh-so-annoying employees, currently being interrogated by a hero, to face Flashy Flash's pink, blood-stained, retreating back.

"Wait!" Ah, screw the fangirl act. "We lost Sonic, like, an hour ago-" "Ten minutes."- "Yeah, yeah, ten minutes, an hour, whatever robo-freak-" "Cyborg." "Don't care. Anyways, the point is, we need more people to investigate this, and if we happen to run into some kind of blood thirsty sewer god, you happen to look like you'd make a great sacrifice. _So get your motherfucking ass back here!"_

Amazingly, unpredictably, against most odds, Flashy Flash was actually listening. He had stopped sometime during Eliza's short speech, and he quietly listened to her angry, heavy breathing.

Slowly, (and wasn't that a kicker, because the great and powerful Flashy Flash never did things slowly.) he turned to face them. There was a gleam in his eyes that Saitama didn't entirely like, and neither did anyone else in the tunnel, save for Eliza, who had lost her self preservation instincts back in college. Collectively, they all rubbed their eyes.

"Did you say Sonic? As in Speed of Sound Sonic?"

Eliza snorted loudly and planted her hands on her hips. "Pfft. Like it's such a common name. Yeah, duh."

Yep, weird gleam was definitely there. Slowly, Karin and Taro started to back away into the opening behind them, Mumen held in front of them as a meat shield.

"Um, Eliza-san?" Genos placed a hand on her shoulder and slowly, slowly started to back away. "I'm not entirely sure that was a good idea-"

Rather rudely, Flashy Flash cut him off.

"And you lost him?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Okay," Metal Bat started to edge towards the other end of the sewer tunnel, in the wake of Taro and Karin, who were currently sprinting away and dragging Mumen behind them. "We run on three. If we can split up early enough, one or two of us might be able to get out of here in one piece."

"Hmph. You're actually intimidated by that?"

"Well, if you want to face him when he's angry..."

Tatsumaki actually seemed to take this into consideration. "...Okay, we go on three."

Unfortunately, any and all under-complicated escape plans were halted in their tracks as Flashy Flash nodded stiffly and said, "Fine."

"...Or not."

* * *

"How many damn traps are there?!" He wasn't sure if he'd been in this paticular part of the sewers for five minutes or twenty, but he did know that the traps were getting denser.

This observation was proved by the six rope traps, eight net traps, fifty-seven poison needle traps, and the whopping one hundred and sixty-nine bear traps he had managed to stumble into.

It was starting to get kind of annoying. Oh, when he found whoever set these up, he was going to skin them, gut them, put them back together so he could do it again-

Sonic happened to step in bear trap number one hundred and seventy.

" _What the actual_ -" * **The author has chosen to sensor Sonic's choice of words here.***

* * *

"...Hey, where's Mumen?"

Saitama looked around for his friend, scratching the back of his head. Currently, they were walking alongside a long stream of questionably colored water, following the carpeting.

"Sensei, I believe Karin-san and Taro-san took him with them into the tunnels when they left half an hour ago." Slowly, the majority of their party slowed to a halt around him, mainly because Eliza had frozen where she stood and she was in front.

"They followed the carpeting until about twenty-six minutes ago, when they split off to the left instead of the right." He glanced up at the tunnel's top. "Excuse me, twenty-seven minutes now."

He kept walking, and, as such, crashed right into the still back of Metal Bat.

"Oi! Watch where you're going, bub!"

Eliza then proceeded to pull Metal Bat away, throw him into Tatsumaki, knock them both into the stream of water- which was not water, but a liquid made up of...things. Primarily, something that looked like lemonade.

It was not lemonade.- and grab Genos by the shoulders, ignoring how Tatsumaki and metal Bat were fighting _again_ , and how Flashy Flash was currently ignoring them, walking off into the distance to leave them like the jerk he was.

"Karin and Taro left?"

"Yes."

"You knew this?!"

"Yes."  
 _"AND YOU LET THEM LEAVE?!"_ At this point, she started shaking him by the shoulders.

"Yes."

"YOU IDIOT!" She let go of Genos and pushed him away. Metal Bat had managed to get a grip on the edge of the ledge separating them from the thing that was not lemonade, and he was just about to get out when Genos stumbled over his hand, sending them both spiraling into the depths with Tatsumaki, and breaking several of his fingers in the process. Saitama went to go fish his disciple out as Eliza dropping to a crouch and started to mutter into her hands.

"Oh, if they find Sonic- oh crap, they have a blood sacrifice! Oh God, they're going to raise the dead! Literally! _AGAIN!"_

At this point, Saitama had managed to pull Genos out of the filthy sewer-water, freeing Tatsumaki and Metal Bat too.

"What do you mean, again?" Behind him, the S-classers started to wring out their sopping wet clothes, muttering under their collective breath crossly.

"Well, there was an old occult book that came through the shop, and Karin found it. Taro was bored, Sonic thought it'd be fun, and Karin's just crazy. And willing to attach herself to any book. Even if it's on fire. She did that once, actually, caught on fire herself... ah, good times." Eliza smiled and stared out into space nostalgically. After a second, she frowned and shook her head as if to clear it. "Anyways, this was back when the shop was back in... whatever city it was. So a giant alien spaceship-thing fell out of the sky and stopped the impending apocalypse by crushing it."

Tatsumaki opened her mouth, probably to give Eliza a piece of her mind. She probably would've too, if Flashy Flash hadn't chosen to speed back in a rush of sparkly wind. He was dragging Taro and Karin along by the scruffs of their necks, and Mumen plodded along behind him.

"I found them."

Everyone took an appreciative moment to blink.

"Okay, wow."

"You were actually listening?"

Flashy Flash ignored them in favor of letting His pseudo-prisoners go. Taro stumbled forward a couple of steps, and Karin landed in an undignified heap. As Mumen bent to help her up, Flashy Flash continued.

"I found something else too."

"Oh? What is it, Flashy Flash-san?"

* * *

That something, apparently, was a wooden door, set rather conspicuously into a sewer wall. And the atrocity known as orange shag carpeting stopped right outside the doctor's edge. It didn't diverge off into a direction, it just stopped.

They could also hear the tirade consisting mostly of profanities from five feet away as the speaker on the other side of the door continued, apparently undeterred by the body's need to breathe in order to, y'know, live. Mumen slammed his hands down on Karin's ears, and after a couple minutes, someone decided that the language got bad enough to cover Genos, Taro, and Metal Bat's ears as well.

"Wow," Saitama said after they had spent a good, curse-filled fifteen minutes just standing outside the door and listening. "That guy's really angry, huh?"

Tatsumaki's attempt at covering Metal Bat's ears had been half-hearted at best, and he had managed to pry her hands off a while ago. He grunted his agreement.

Inside, the cursing just... stopped. They tensed at the sudden, unexpected silence, and slowly, Eliza took a step forward- There was a metallic springing sort of sound, another stream of curses, and Flashy Flash took the opportunity to break down the door. It was a quick, smooth affair, and when he was done, the only one that wasn't surprised was Saitama.

"Woah." Eliza blinked. "...He's fast."

"Well, duh."

Slowly, slowly, they moved forward to see...

"The hell?"

...To see Sonic standing in the middle of a circle of obviously deadly traps, one foot caught in a bear trap as he cursed his shriveled, non-existent heart out.

"...Hello, Sonic."

They were ignored.

"Oi! Idiot! Pay attention!"

They were ignored.

"Sonic-san?"

...They were ignored.

Again.

Angrily, Tatsumaki opened her mouth to spit out some insult- and was promptly cut off by Flashy Flash, his eyes the softest they'd ever been- that's to say they were harder than a pillow, but softer than a brick wall. Just to put in perspective there.

"Hello, Otouto."

 _That_ got his attention. Not to mention the attention of everyone else.

Sonic turned slowly, his face a mask of angry horror.

" _You_ ," He posses. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"You have a brother?"

"Sonic-san has a brother!

"Your brother is a hero?"

"...They're brothers?"

Taro rather appropriately groaned, his head in his hands. "God, I feel like I'm trapped I a sitcom. Or a badly written fan fiction. Or both." He looked up just in time to see Flashy Flash lecture the man who was apparently his younger brother on his language. Sonic, in true Sonic-style, responded with more language."

"..." His mouth felt dry. Slowly, he dropped his face into his hands and sunk into a fetal position.

 _"I need a pot of coffee."_

It was at this point that the door on the other side of the room swung open. The doorknob fell off when it hit the wall, and the edge chuffed softly against the carpeting that had picked back up in the room.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!"

The man was long and lean, made up almost entirely of tough, corded muscle. His silver hair stood up in ten different directions, and his eyes were half-hooded from sleep. Slowly, he took im the sight that was multiple easily recognizable heroes and villains spread across the entrance to his secret base, the one he had lined with that lovely orange carpeting.

Slowly, a crazed smile spread across his face.

"The Hero Hunt isn't supposed to be for another week..."

"Woah, Woah, Hero Hunt?!" Tatsumaki was ignored.

"But who can wait with a perfect spread like this at their doorstep?!"

The maniac smile seemed to swallow up his face, and Metal Bat was suddenly painfully aware of the fact he had lost his bat when he and Tatsumaki had fallen into the sewer... er, water.

"I am Garou," The man continued grandly. "I am the strongest, and I am going to crush you all."

Saitama sneezed.

* * *

 _I'm a bit spotty on Canon, so this is probably really messed up. Oops. Anyways- we finally discover who installed the hideous carpeting, and why I threw Flashy Flash in! (I'm a major sucker for the ninja bros fanon, and there is not enough protective big brother Flashy Flash in this world.)_

 _Anyways guys, don't forget to drop a alpine pin the comments box! They help me pretend I have a soul!_


	7. Wherein allergies are stupid

_Wassup, peeps? Childish is back- and kind of late. Quick warning, now, for plot. This chapter isn't nearly as funny, I think, but at least it's here, right?_

 _Replies to reviews: Elftrange: I solemnly swear I will never not update you again. Don't worry, you didn't insult me. Ffnet's just a jerk like that. I am glad you like the ninja bros- I have plans for that, plans, I tell you, and they are glorious. So glad I kept them in character! Confetti! And yes, making characters sneeze when they're mentioned is awesome. Expect that joke to be around for a while. I'm glad you like Garou- I actually couldn't find the volumes with the hero hunt, and the wikis basically a mine field, so I'm going out on a limb here. I totally know what you mean about responding to reviews. I find it rather fun on my part, actually. I think I fixed all the spelling and transition issue, but I might've missed something. Anyways- enjoy!_

 _I do not own one punch man, hence why I am writing fan fiction._

* * *

"Hero... hunt?"

Garou grinned, sharp and crazy and wild.

"Did I stutter? It's your fault really, not mine, stumbling into my base like this-"

"Wait." Because Sonic was Sonic (and an idiot), he apparently thought it was a good idea to cut off someone like the man before them, frowning and setting one hand on his hip as he did so.

"This your base. As in you live here."

"Yes."

"So you put everything here?"

"Uh..." Garou didn't quite see where this was going. "Yes."

"Including the traps?"

"Yes."

Sonic snarled and drew his sword from within the confines of his uniform.

 _"_ You _asshole!"_

Garou just blinked and glanced down to check his nails. "Yes, people usually say that. And I'm reasonably sure you aren't a hero, so shoo. I'm busy here."

Sonic blanched, and someone laughed behind him.

"You dare-"

"I told you to go away!" For the record, Sonic was pretty sure an anime fall was _perfectly appropriate_ for this situation, _Karin_. "Shoo!"

With a snarl and a curse, Sonic popped back up and slipped into a fighting stance. He was going to make this man's death painful, oh, it would be _painful_. He'd start with the balls, and then his arms, legs, throat, neck, the tendons, the man's eyes- oh, this would be so much _fun!_

Sonic smiled.

It was not a pretty smile.

Sonic lunged forward, sword pointed at Garou's crotch- and promptly took a frat fall to the floor.

Karin and Metal Bat both burst into laughter behind him, doubling over and leaning against the walls for support. Well, Metal Bat used the wall. Karin just used Taro as a leaning post instead, but that's besides the point.

The point being that Sonic's foot was still caught in that bear trap.

Garou made a sound like he was choking on his tongue, Taro snorted, and Eliza rolled her eyes and started shouting.

"Idiot! You're my employee, so _do better_ , got it? You'll ruin my store's reputation!"

"Eh? That's what you're worried about?" With a snarl, Sonic spun to face his boss. "What the hell does this even have to do with that? Come to think of it, that stupid day job is the reason my business has dropped so much! You, and your stupid employees, and your _stupid fucking shop_ can all go to hel-"

Only Saitama saw Garou move, and suddenly Sonic was flying past their heads, and Garou was standing where the ninja had been just mere seconds ago, fist still extended from the punch.

It should probably be noted that said fist was actually _steaming_.

With a loud, bloody crash, Sonic's unconscious body slammed into the concrete wall behind them. A large, dark chunk of concrete fell in the face of the impact, and sharp bits of concrete and white rock dust were sent flying everywhere as the sewers came down around their ears.

With a curse that really shouldn't be said in the presence of Mumen, Eliza threw her arms up to protect her face. The air was suddenly thick with rock dust, and rubble was crashing down around them like rain.

"Karin! Taro! Where are you?" she shouted (because she didn't want to have to find new employees/weird stalkers, not because she actually had _feelings_ , or any of that rubbish. Honest.)

Her answer was nothing more than a tiny pair of hands latching onto her pant leg and Taro's distant shout of 'Here, boss' from somewhere to her right. With a few colorful choice words of her own, Tatsumaki threw her hands up from in front of their strange little party and froze the incoming rain of destruction. When Eliza looked up next, it was only when there wasn't dust and chunks of concrete bigger than her head racing towards them. Karin was clinging to her leg like the child she looked like, face buried in the back of Eliza's knee.

It should probably be noted that the light was almost completely blotted out by hovering pieces of the street above them, curious and frightened civilians peering down over the edge. The street had seemingly split open, revealing the sewer tunnel beneath.

Garou had done that with her employee's body. Her employee's unusually slim, not-very-large-or-muscular-at-all body. Obviously, they were all screwed.

Well, _fuck_ , then.

Around her, heroes carefully pulled their arms away from their heads. One of Genos's arms had been taken off in all the chaos, and Taro had a large goose egg swelling on the side of his head at a worrying rate, but that seemed to be the extent of any physical damage. Karin slowly peeled herself off Eliza's leg, taking a step backwards. A tiny mouse trap that had been mixed in with the other defenses snapped around one of her shoes. Karin hissed in pain, and Eliza took the moment to take in the fact that half the girl's face was bathed in blood streaming from a rather vicious cut on her forehead. Garou, for his part, just blinked.

"...Oh," He said a bit lamely. "I didn't realize there was a child in there." (In his defense, they had all just been gathered up in this weirdly dressed, superhero-ey looking cluster of people. It was hard to make them out individually, okay?)

Accordingly, Karin stuck her tongue out at the monster. Behind them, Metal Bat just flipped him off.

"...She can leave if she wants," Garou continued, and Karin herself butted in before anyone else actually made the decision for her. Of course, her dialogue was mostly just expletives relating to Garou's parentage, and since the author is currently typing this in the presence of her parents, said expletives about Garou's parentage will just be heavily implied.

"She means yes," Eliza said quickly, because employees are expensive to buy. And illegal, apparently. "Also, how is she going to get out of here? And us? Because, I'm sorry, but I am leaving while I still have legs to walk on. "

With a sigh, Tatsumaki raised her hands and levitated Karin, Eliza, and Taro out of the giant hole, mumbling something about how stupid civilians were. The three of them slammed down on the pavement, and Garou waited for a paramedic dressed in clean white scrubs to pull Karin away from the edge before turning back to the impending fight.

"Okay, you're all supers, right- wait." With a frown, he tilted his head to one side. "Where's the sparkly guy? And the brat I threw into the walk earlier?"

Several miles away from the shitstorm that our 'heroes' were currently entangled in, Flashy Flash, currently speeding away with his brother's broken body in his arms, sneezed.

 _Again._

Stupid allergies.

"Dunno." And with that single, extremely intelligent word, Tatsumaki swung her arms around in the air again and threw a ton or so of twisted metal and concrete at Garou. Sometime during the rather rough extraction of the civilians, Genos had circled around this week's threat to humanity. Now, he too threw his one remaining hand out and switched his flamethrowers on full blast.

At the same exact time Tatsumaki's barrage went flying at Garou- a very heavy barrage, half of which was made of metal, piping from the fallen sewer tunnel and some cars that had pitched over the edge and into the hole.

Needless to say, half of Tatsumaki's impromptu but very terrifying arsenal melted, but surely Garou couldn't take out all the concrete she'd launched _and_ dodge Genos's fire- oh.

Well, never mind then. Because Garou, apparently, also had the ability to magically put extreme fires out by punching them. And then the toaster that caused them, apparently. Genos slammed into the back wall with an unpleasant sounding _thunk_ , and Garou turned and started on her remaining weapons.

It was as if he'd teleported, disappearing from the spot he was standing in and landing in front of the foremost chunk of concrete, and destroyed it with one punch. Rinse and repeat.

And the way he'd taken out the tunnel's walls and top, she'd expected the strength, but the speed- he was going faster than she'd ever seen Flashy Flash run, and when you paired that with the glaringly obvious super strength and the weird, distinctively mystical looking blue light streaming behind him- well, you got a pretty terrifying answer. One only Bang was supposed to have, because all his students were crap, because the good one had gone and taken out all the other good ones, and Bang himself hadn't been able to stop him... oh. Crap. Shit. Fuck. More profanities that someone would chew her out for voicing aloud.

They were facing Bang's rouge student.

When all the smoke and dust cleared, the ground was littered with more rubble, Garou was unharmed, and Genos was twisted up against a wall like a bizarre piece of... um, modern art or something.

Saitama's eye twitched dangerously, and his fist clenched, even as someone dropped into the hole behind their opponent, and the paparazzi and bystanders chattered one excitedly about how surely they were saved now. With a twisted smirk, Garou turned to meet the newcomer.

"Master," He acknowledged, and Bang just grunted back.

( _No one_ saw Saitama move.)

* * *

"So." Eliza was standing on the edges of the crowd, her hands planted on her hips and a patched up Taro and Karin at her sides. The former of her minions was moaning into his hands, and the latter of her minions was sucking innocently on a lollipop she stolen from the unsuspecting paramedic, the one that would probably have nightmares. Eliza made a mental note to send an apology card to that paticular poor, unfortunate soul.

"We ended up in City A, huh? Home city of the Hero HQ."

Taro groaned again. "Yes, Eliza-sama, we have established that, even though it should be physically impossible. Can we go back to City _Z_ now?"

"No," Eliza snapped, and Taro sighed.

"Why?"

The smile Eliza directed at him was bright enough to temporarily blind him, and much too predatory. If this was an anime and not a badly written piece of crack fanfiction, her eyes would be little sparkles vaguely shaped like stars now instead of eyeballs.

"Because, Taro, my rival bookstore is here, in this city. Our archenemy."

"...Archenemy," Taro said flatly. Karin, on the other hand, brightened up exponentially. This was probably not a good thing.

"Archenemy, Eliza-san? Does this mean I can set them on fire?" She then proceeded to pull a lighter out of nowhere, grinning madly. Eliza smiled condescendingly and patted her adorable little murder child of a minion on the head. Taro's stomach sank.

"Yes, Karin, you may. If anyone dies, I'll give you a raise."

"You pay me?"

Eliza drew back as if she'd been stung by a bee. "What? NO. Where'd you get that idea."

"Eliza-san said she'd give me a raise-"

"SILENCE, SLAVE!"

Rather appropriately, Taro face-palmed behind them.

"Eliza-san? Who exactly is this poor 'archenemy' of ours anyways?" He raised finger quotes on the word 'archenemy', and Eliza's grin soured.

"This bookstore," She hissed darkly, acid dripping from every word, "Is run by my cousin." He eyes narrowed, eyebrows furrowing together as she spat the next word like a curse.

 _"Harold."_

If this was an anime, the episode would probably cut off here, at this very dramatic moment. But, as mentioned before, this was not, in fact, an anime, it was a very poorly written fanfiction that made no sense whatsoever, and so Taro continued speaking.

"Shouldn't we wait for Sonic, if this is so important? Y'know, since he may be kinda, y'know, _dead_?"

He was expecting an answer. He was not expecting Karin to kick him in the shins, even though he'd worked with her for the longest three and a half years of his life and really should've expecting it.

"Taro-san, you ruined the moment!"

* * *

 _Well, I think that went well. Of course, I'll have to go write something funny to negate the feeling that comes with hurting Sonic and Karin in this chapter. I highly doubt the next chapter is going to make much sense. Not much at all._

 _Thanks for all your kind support, throw whatever at me in the comments box, and see y'all in the next chapter!_


	8. Wherein the Hero Hunt Does Not Go Well

_Hello, peeps! As promised your daily dose of nonsense! (All from the view of the OC's, apparently. I have no idea how this happened._

 _Reviews: Elfetrange: Good to see you too, I'm great! (And tired. I'm probably gonna kneel over once I post this sucker.) The sneezing's definitely staying, and so is 'Shut up slave!', because that's fun to write. I'm glad you still found it funny- fight scenes are more severe when you write them, apparently. I apologize to your first. And your family, in the alternative dimension where your first wasn't enough to stop your laughter. :) Yep, I am a girl, complete with mood swings and ... Whatever girls do. As promised, my nonsense, written pretty darn well (I hope). Enjoy, and get back to the WiFi soon!_

 _I do not own one punch man, something we should probably all be grateful for, seeing how I treat Garou in here. :) MWAHAHAHA!_

* * *

Taro winced as Karin kicked him in the shin. Rather hard, he would like to point out. Very hard.

"Taro-san," She scolded, "You ruined the moment! Bad Taro-san!" She kicked him again, in the other shin this time. "Bad!"

"Ow."

Eliza sighed. It was the sigh of someone who perpetually put up with this shit all the time, and, as such, was tired 24/7 and failing all their classes. Taro scowled because that was _his sigh, thank you very bloody much_.

"Karin," She snapped, "I'm all for abusing Taro-" "OI!"- "But we have to go kill- er, torture- er, burn down the business of- er, oh screw it, let's just go and either end Harold's life, or just make it miserable and _then_ end. Let's move!"

"Okay!"

"Sigh... Fine."

Eliza paused in her cheery march towards the apparent direction of Harold's store to turn and give him a look.

"Did you just say sigh? As in, you were too lazy to actually do it so you just said it?"

Taro shrugged. "Yup."

"Okay. Now then- LET'S GO ALREADY!"

And Eliza resumed her cheery, someone crazed march, Karin skipping alongside her and Taro dragging his feet after them both.

They hadn't made it more than three and a half inches- Taro counted- when a gust of hot, dusty air came rushing up towards them, and the ground decided it was a good time to split open underneath them.

"Go to the right," Eliza shouted. Or, at least he thought that was what she said. It was kind of hard to hear her over the monster gust of wind that slammed him forward into them both and sent them rolling across the sidewalk like some demented human tumbleweed.

"THIS IS FUN," Karin shouted in one of his ears.

"WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE, WE'RE GOING TO DIE AND HAROLD ISN'T! WHY?" Eliza shouted in his other ear.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU CARE ABOUT," He shouted back. "THAT?"

" _YES_ ," Eliza screeched.

"GUYS," Karin wailed. Karin went ignored.

"WHY DO I WORK FOR YOU AGAIN?!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER!"

"GUYS!" Karin went ignored again.

"WELL, YOU'RE A- UH URM, LET'S SEE... YOUR BUTT IS BIG!"

Eliza jerked violently, slamming her head into Karin's on accident. "OH NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T!"

" _GUYS!_ " Karin screeched, subtle as a brick wall with bird poop all over it. She did not go ignored this time, magically.

" _WHAT_?"

"TRASH CAN," Karin shouted.

They then proceeded to crash into the trash can Karin had been trying to warn them about, and went sprawling, landing in a tangled heap of people and trash.

"Ow..."

"Ugh. My everything hurts."

"That was fun! Again! Again!"

Karin and Taro sat up fast enough to make the world lurch sideways for both of them, and fixed Karin with a look that would make most grown men shit themselves. Karin, as it was, just stared at them, her pupils floating off in opposite directions to watch both of them at the same time.

 _"NO."_

Karin, apparently, was not actually insane enough to protest, because she just swallowed and wilted subtly.

"Hmph. Fine."

"Good," Eliza stated firmly, and shakily pulled herself to her feet, liberating a banana peel from where it was tangled her hair. "Besides, we have to do something of the utmost importance first."

Taro sighed as he and Karin stood up too, clutching the edge of a nearby dumpster for support. Taro brushed a dead rat off his head, and Karin apparently decided to wear a mess of coffee grinds and newspapers as a hat.

"You mean setting Karin on your cousin?"

Eliza, to their collective surprise, scoffed and shook her head.

"Don't be ridiculous. We have to investigate _this_ first!" She them proceeded to point to the actual abyss that had opened up in the street, rather suspiciously extending out from the knot of civilians standing around the hole Tatsumaki had thrown them out of.

Tar groaned, massaged his temples, and closed his eyes. "Eliza-sama, last time you decided we had to investigate something, we ended up here- she's always walking away, isn't she?"

He opened his eyes to see Karin nodding cheerily and a very noticeably empty space where Eliza used to be.

"Yup," Their official closet-stalker confirmed. "She is!"

Taro sighed and started jogging after their very, _very_ idiotic boss, Karin skipping along after him.

"Come on. Let's go make sure she doesn't kill herself- come to think of it, why do we keep her alive?"

Karin shrugged cheerily. "We get free coffee off of her!"

"Free? What are you talking about? She charges me for it."

Karin smiled widely. "I steal it! And Sonic threatened her the first time she tried it on him, so she just charges you triple to make up for it!"

Taro sighed as they entered the crowd and started shoving people out of the way.

" _Of course_ she does."

"Yup," Karin chirped, because she was a jerk like that. "You're a real sucker, Taro-san!"

"Karin?"

"Yes, Taro-san?"

"Stop talking."

"Never!"

Taro sighed as he pushed another bystander out of the way, and ignored the proceeded curses. It probably said something about his life that he didn't even blink when said bystander angrily chucked a bottle of water after him, and it exploded against the back of his head.

"Look, Taro-san! There she is!" Karin pointed towards the edge of the hole, and started running. A very exasperated Taro jogged after her accordingly.

Eliza was standing at the very edge, and it was a bit worrying how no one said anything about the unconscious pair of police officers laying around her- probably the poor souls that had tried to keep her rimmed in with the rest of the bystanders.

Ah, well. Not like it wasn't normal.

"Eliza-sama," Taro said, moving to stand next to her. He bristled when he went ignored in favor of staring down the stupid hole.

"Oi!" He waved his hand in front of her face. Nothing. He scoffed.

"What's so interesting huh-" Taro looked down.

Taro stopped. Taro's breath hitched in Taro's throat.

" _Oh,_ " He breathed.

Oh indeed.

He'd figured that the gaping abyss that he'd quickly decided was actually a portal to Hell had come from Garou, because he was the only one down there with super strength, right?

Wrong, apparently, because Garou was currently in a fight.

And he was bleeding, and rather obviously only just clinging to consciousness.

"Huh," Taro said, "He actually bleeds. Actual, red, human blood. That's a surprise."

Eliza tore herself away from the admittedly epic fight going on down below to lock gazes with him for just a second.

"I know, right? Oi, Karin." She glanced over his shoulder. "Who's the old guy with the emo clothes and glowing hands?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think old guys can be emo."

"Well, they're all black. That's emo, right?"

Taro shrugged. "Fair point."

"Holy shit!" The pure, unfiltered, childlike joy it Karin's voice set off adult a dozen different alarms in their heads.

"That's Silver Fang! S-class rank 3! He beat up a flaming building once! It was _awesome..."_ Karin trailed off dazedly, eyes glazing over and lips forming into a sharp smile. "He's my hero, even though he's a hero. I'm going to be just like him when I grow up! Except a villain, because they're cooler!"

Eliza and Taro both swallowed at the same time, and locked gazes again. It was official. Harold could wait-

This 'Silver Fang' needed to go. Anyone _Karin_ considered a role model obviously needed to die. They'd be a doing a service to society, really. (No, they wouldn't.)

"...Wait," Taro said, and finally noticed that no, Silver Fang wasn't the one doing most of the damage.

"Isn't that the baldy?"

"What?" Eliza turned back to the fight angrily, all her hair standing on end. It was a pretty freaky sight, let me tell you.

"You're right," She hissed. "That filthy property damage demon..."

"Eliza-sama, I don't think he's a-"

"HE'S A FILTHY PROPERTY DAMAGE DEMON, DAMMIT!"

Down in the pit, Saitama let out a small sneeze as he caught one of Garou's punches, the tiny sound easily lost in all the chaos. The loud chaos. Effortlessly, Saitama scraped one arm across hi nose before catching Garou's next punch. He then proceeded to step on his opponent's foot, and they heard something snap from who-knows-how-many-feet-up.

"Whoa," Eliza whispered.

"Yeah," Taro agreed. "Whoa."

Saitama tightened his grip, drew his foot back, and proceeded to chuck Garou over the audience's head.

The monster that had nearly killed the three of them and probably had killed Sonic crashed into the building behind them- well, right through it, actually. He left a nice, perfectly sized Garou-shaped outline.

And one in the wall on the other side of the building when he went thought that wall too.

And in the walls of the building behind that one.

And the walls of the one behind that one.

And the walls in the next one.

(This went on for about nine more buildings, but describing it will get boring pretty fast, so we'll just skip ahead to the exciting stuff.)

Garou finally fell to the ground about a hundred yards from our heroes/protagonists/what the hell ever the proper descriptor here is, slammed into a brick wall and fell to the ground in a twitching, broken bundle of human flesh and bricks.

"...Whoa."

Omake:

Somewhere, an undisclosed distance from the rather destructive happens just described, a short man with a bushy brown beard that covered half his chest looked up, jolting as if shocked.

"Boss?" The cashier standing behind the counter of the bookstore where the man currently was looked up. "Is something wrong?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing." The man turned back to the books he was currently shelving. His name tag flashed in the light as he did, showcasing his name to the world.

Harold, it read.

 _Harold._

(Yes, that Harold.)

"My 'Holy crud, my cousin's about to do something incredibly stupid again, probably to me, I better run and hide in a broom closet until this blows over' senses were just tingling, that's all."

"Ah," The well-paid cashier said. "I see." (No, he did not see, but he was much more polite than other certain bookstore cashiers that shall go unnamed. _coughTarocough.)_

Across the street, Eliza suddenly stiffened where she stood, forced herself to look away from the spectacle that was Garou getting completely and utterly decked, and stared at a little, garishly painted shop that stood innocently behind her, sign gleaming visibly in the light.

A predatory smile spread across her face, something sharp and deadly and dangerous, and Taro and Karin snapped out of it just in time to swallow and simultaneously mutter whispered _'Oh no's_ ' under their breaths. (Harold, apparently, could not wait.)

Down in the hole, Bang, Saitama, Tatsumaki, a three-fourths dead Metal Bat, an unconscious Genos, and an also unconscious Mumen all suddenly jerked.

Something... something was about to happen.

Something big.

("Oh dear," Harold muttered as he glanced over his shoulder out of pure instinct, "She sees me. Run if you want to live!" "What?" asked the poor, poor cashier.)

* * *

 _And so the madness continues._

 _Poor, poor Garou. All he wanted was to beat a bunch of people up. Remember, peeps- I am a pathetic excuse for a person that will do anything for reviews, so leave me one in the comments section! Childish out! Peace! *passes out*_


	9. Wherein the sewer breaks again

_...Holy shit guys, I'm late. I'm really sorry, but life's been busy lately..._

 _Anyways, this chapter's kinda short. Just a little thing to try and jumpstart this thing. Hopefully, things will be back to normal soon._

* * *

"...Hey," Saitama said, as the air dropped several degrees around them and a shiver ran down the spines of the collected heroes. A sound that sounded like a dying cat being set on fire went off over them, followed by a tired curse and a Karin-esque cackle.

"Did you hear that?"

Tatsumaki and Metal Bat exchanged a look. The former was incredibly pissed off, the latter was barely conscious, Mumen Rider and Genos actually were unconscious, and Flashy Flash had taken off with his brother some time ago, leaving them to fight someone who could bring entire sewer systems with a single punch on their own, with only a class-B hero as backup, and then they, both S-class, had been upstaged by said B-class, who had taken Garou out by slamming him into a wall and then throwing him through roughly fifty-six different building.

They were too _goddamn tired for this_.

"No," Said Metal Bat and Tatsumaki, eerily in sync. Behind them, Bang's face twisted into something confused.

"Actually-"

"Okay then," Saitama said, cheerily cutting off Bang. "So, let's get back home. Does anyone know where we are?"

"City A," Bang supplied helpfully.

Bang went ignored.

"Anyone?" Saitama beamed forcefully. "Anyone at all?"

Bang sighed and turned to climb out of the pit. He was too old for this. Besides, there'd been tea on the stove when he'd left. If he hurried, it'd still be warm when he got back.

"I think we're in City A," Metal Bat grunted, putting all his weight on one side and leaning against a wall.

"City A, huh? Wow, that's pretty far from City Z. Although, to be fair, we were all kind of running for our lives from that fire back there. But still, if we got here in a few hours, we can get back in a few hours."

And with that, Saitama started off towards the direction off the sewer tunnel that had led them here, the only thing between it and him a few metric tons of concrete rubble. Trivial stuff, really.

"Oh, before I forget!" Saitama stopped abruptly and glanced over his shoulder.

"What's the name of that place you guys work at? I kinda forgot, and we need to know so we don't get lost..."

Both Tatsumaki and Metal Bat stopped abruptly, faces blanching pale and sweaty. They looked quite a bit like deer in the headlights. Or like they were constipated. Or like they were road kill. Take your pick.

"Uh..."

Okay, apparently, they didn't know the name of their work place.

...Of bloody course they didn't.

* * *

"E-Eliza-sama, I don't think we need to- _oh God!_ " Taro slapped a hand over Karin's eyes. Their boss was currently doing something that could only be classified as _fucking_ _horrific_ , after all, and he really didn't need Karin getting any ideas.

"Taro-san! What's going on?" Karin tugged at his hand, and Taro slapped his left one over his right one.

"...You know what, Karin, why don't we go get lunch?"

"Yay! Lunch!"

And Taro shuffled away awkwardly.

* * *

"I think we go right."

"No, left!"

The sheer volume of Tatsumaki's voice was enough to make Metal Bat flinch and clap his hands over his ears. About ten feet in front of him, a heavily injured Genos slung over one shoulder and an equally injured Mumen Rider over the other, Saitama was attempting to placate the beast.

"No, seriously brat, I'm telling you, we need to go right-'

"Left, you stupid baldy! LEFT!"

"Who are you calling a baldy?!"  
"Egghead! Octopus! Snow globe!"

"La-la-la-la~, _I can't hear you_!" This was about the part where Saitama jammed his fingers in his ears, somehow managing not to drop Mumen and Genos, and started screeching at the top of his lungs. A bit ominously, the walls around them began to shake.

* * *

"You. You are the receptionist here, are you not?"

The woman-who-was-indeed-a-receptionist scowled and rolled her eyes, snapping her gum. "Honey, what the hell d'ya want-"

The woman-who-was-a-receptionist looked up.

Her gum fell out of her mouth.

"Hey, I've seen ya on ma TV! Ain't you that superhero? I'm a big fan, a big fan, yessiree! Big fan!"

Ah, fangirls.

Who knew they'd actually be useful some day?

In front of the receptionist, Flashy Flash monotonously pointed at the still, bloody finger slung over his shoulder, currently staining exactly half his uniform bright, eye-searing red. The contrast was a bit odd, actually.

"My brother requires medical services."

The receptionist gave an over exaggerated gasp that probably would've been more believable if her cheeks weren't still stained pink, and she wasn't twisting nervously in her place.

"Oh, tha' poor dear! Of course! Anything for you, sir! Free medical services included!"

Had this been an anime, there would be a comically large sweat drop roughly twice the size of his head hanging somewhere in the air right now.

"O...kay then. Also, I would prefer if you did not leave any records."

"But of course, sir!"

...You know what, maybe he shouldn't have come here. The woman was starting to froth at the mouth now...

Flashy Flash sighed. Wonderful. Of course the receptionist had rabies. He just hoped it wasn't contagious.

It would hardly be good for Sonic to catch it in his current condition, after all.

* * *

"Uh, guys?!" Metal Bat's voice was something rather close to hysterical. "The walls are coming down! ...Again."

Tatsuki and Saitama broke away from their argument, apparently oblivious to the fact that Saitama's voice had managed to break the sewer system.

For the second time that day.

...Dammit, this better not be coming out of their paychecks.

(It was coming out of their paychecks)

* * *

Meanwhile, Bang had not gotten home in time for his tea to still be warm.

How sad.

"Charanko! Go out and get some tea, will you?"

"Hai, sensei!"

* * *

Taro's bowl of _fucking hot_ soup started vibrating on the table, alongside some large, overly-sugared drink Karin had ordered. He frowned.

"Karin-chan, do you feel something- _OW, SONUVABITCH IT BURNS-"_

With a rumble, the street split in half, spilling Taro's soup over his lap and causing him immense pain, the kind that could break a man.

Karin's drink, it should be noted, stayed standing throughout the mini-earthquake.

" _OWOWOWOWMAKEITSTOPSOMEONEMAKEITFUCKINGSTOP-"_

"Uh..." Down, in the middle of the street he'd accidentally opened up, Saitama blinked sheepishly and stared up at Karin and Taro, the former of which was currently scarfing down some kind of sugary monstrosity that would cause the sugar rush from hell in a minute here, and the later of which was currently experiencing _agonizing pain_. Karin waved.

"Come and join us!" She hefted Taro's wallet, recently, uh, ...liberated from his pocket a while ago. "Taro-san's paying!"

 _"KARINSHUTUPANDGETMEAFUCKINGBUCKETOFWATER."_

Karin didn't shut up, or get Taro a bucket of water. Because she was an asshole like that.

* * *

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

Eliza froze from where she was washing her cousin's lifeblood off her hands with a broken fire hydrant.

"...Yes?"

"Please turn around."

Eliza did.

"...Ma'am, is that blood on your hands?" The police officer looked confused.

"Uh... no. It's, uh..." Quick, Eliza, think, what would Karin say in this situation? I mean, girl's probably killed fifty-something people, and she hasn't been caught, think, think...

"Books!" Eliza blurted out. The policeman skeptically raised an eyebrow, staring at the bloo- er, books.

"...Ma'am, I'm going to need you to put your hands behind your head."

Shit.

She was never taking advice from Karin again.

* * *

Ugh... his head... what the fuck _happened_?

Speed o' Sound Sonic cracked his eyes open blearily, temples throbbing as he took in his surroundings.

He was in a clean, white room that smelled like flowers and lemons. A hospital room.

...God, he hated lemons. And also flowers. And also hospitals.

"Otouto, you're awake!"

" _Holy-shit-get-out-of-my-face-"_

And also that.

Dammit dammitdammit _dammit._

* * *

 _...Yeah... not my best work. Please have mercy, almighty reviewers._

 _Now then,_ _if you'll so kindly excuse me, I'm gonna go get some, sleep, because high school messed my sleep schedule up, and I've been running off of even less than usual lately..._

 _Happy early Halloween, everybody!_


End file.
